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fridgepunkIn about 4 hours I shall be off to Bristol, England airport to catch a flight to Glasgow, Scotland
On the 11th of September.
A flight to LOCKERBIE BOMB EXPLOSION PLANE DEATH COUNTRY.
On The 11th of September.
ohfuckingshitbollockybollockswithtwattybollockingfuckinghellchristonaporpoisecockitycockbastardcrapmotherfucker.
FUCK.
On the plus side I get to sign off with "and if this width is never expanded (that is to say, if this journal has no more posts added to it in future) it is because I exploded."
Maybe I should un-me-lock that crackfic I dropped on Ellis' blog. Nah, last thing I need is to dread surviving the trip.
The upside to not surviving for the rest of you is that I shall not be able to take up Elf's demand for a Titanic/Iceberg crackfic.
The really odd fact is that I don't like slash, I'm not really that interested in it compared to genfics, and I personally prefer to do a tasteful cut just as the smexing starts up in my own ficcage purely because sex scenes? Don't really strike me as romantic so much as they strike me with EPIC LULZ, roughly on the same level as an in depth and slightly adjective heavy description of toasting waffles would, seriously just think about it: "Person A puts thing A into slot B or C of Person B, thing A/Slot B/Slot C is rubbed/licked/poked/twittered/rubbed/[synonym for "inserted"], person A/B achieve orgasm [truck full of adjectives rolls up, makes a loud beeping noise and unloads its pallet]: rinse/repeat/sleep in wet spot (though the last one is only usable if it's supposed to be EPIC ROMANTIC LUUURVFUCK. Snape never sleeps in the wet spot, unless it's one of those fics *arcs eyebrow knowingly*).
That's before we get into the whole issue of Anatomy Fail RE: wombs that appear to be somewhere in the fucking rib cage, if not somewhere up in the skull (which would explain some romance novels actually, though why would the male characters also have wombs for brains?), pelvises just plain dislocating like a fucking snake's jaw to accomodate people and penises which end up several times the body length of their owner (if I had £1 for everytime I've yelled "WTF IS THIS, FUCKING MOLLUSK PORN?!" at badfics I would have about £76. I counted.)
So why the crackfics? crackfics work because they are about bending but not breaking rules and convention of a literary form. We know synonyms/similes for penises will throb, synonyms/similes for vagina's will yield while a metaphor is inserted into them (which is why I don't drive - I see "yield" signs and I say DO NOT WANT). The male orgasm just isn't that pretty a thing, and yet every ejaculation has to be covered in fucking twee prose and sprayed with floral perfume while Yaoi bubbles sprinkle down on the couple's head. There will be grunting, there will be sighing, there will be groaning and absolutely random words will be said for no readily apparent reason.
But question of every crackfic is not the what, but the HOW? Crackfics are about the journey, not the damp patch.
Or maybe I'm over intellectualising things VERY LOUDLY.
If this Width is never expanded, it is because I exploded. G'night.
On the 11th of September.
A flight to LOCKERBIE BOMB EXPLOSION PLANE DEATH COUNTRY.
On The 11th of September.
ohfuckingshitbollockybollockswithtwattybollockingfuckinghellchristonaporpoisecockitycockbastardcrapmotherfucker.
FUCK.
On the plus side I get to sign off with "and if this width is never expanded (that is to say, if this journal has no more posts added to it in future) it is because I exploded."
Maybe I should un-me-lock that crackfic I dropped on Ellis' blog. Nah, last thing I need is to dread surviving the trip.
The upside to not surviving for the rest of you is that I shall not be able to take up Elf's demand for a Titanic/Iceberg crackfic.
The really odd fact is that I don't like slash, I'm not really that interested in it compared to genfics, and I personally prefer to do a tasteful cut just as the smexing starts up in my own ficcage purely because sex scenes? Don't really strike me as romantic so much as they strike me with EPIC LULZ, roughly on the same level as an in depth and slightly adjective heavy description of toasting waffles would, seriously just think about it: "Person A puts thing A into slot B or C of Person B, thing A/Slot B/Slot C is rubbed/licked/poked/twittered/rubbed/[synonym for "inserted"], person A/B achieve orgasm [truck full of adjectives rolls up, makes a loud beeping noise and unloads its pallet]: rinse/repeat/sleep in wet spot (though the last one is only usable if it's supposed to be EPIC ROMANTIC LUUURVFUCK. Snape never sleeps in the wet spot, unless it's one of those fics *arcs eyebrow knowingly*).
That's before we get into the whole issue of Anatomy Fail RE: wombs that appear to be somewhere in the fucking rib cage, if not somewhere up in the skull (which would explain some romance novels actually, though why would the male characters also have wombs for brains?), pelvises just plain dislocating like a fucking snake's jaw to accomodate people and penises which end up several times the body length of their owner (if I had £1 for everytime I've yelled "WTF IS THIS, FUCKING MOLLUSK PORN?!" at badfics I would have about £76. I counted.)
So why the crackfics? crackfics work because they are about bending but not breaking rules and convention of a literary form. We know synonyms/similes for penises will throb, synonyms/similes for vagina's will yield while a metaphor is inserted into them (which is why I don't drive - I see "yield" signs and I say DO NOT WANT). The male orgasm just isn't that pretty a thing, and yet every ejaculation has to be covered in fucking twee prose and sprayed with floral perfume while Yaoi bubbles sprinkle down on the couple's head. There will be grunting, there will be sighing, there will be groaning and absolutely random words will be said for no readily apparent reason.
But question of every crackfic is not the what, but the HOW? Crackfics are about the journey, not the damp patch.
Or maybe I'm over intellectualising things VERY LOUDLY.
If this Width is never expanded, it is because I exploded. G'night.
