Imagine a time when everything is either a stick or a rock, and beyond this you had the spirited (past tense adverbal form of "spirit") critters around you, of which you may or may not be a part of because Pan Narratis, the narrative ape, like its fucking dichotomies due to a genetical tendency to wander into open fields with sticky-uppy erections during thunder storms.

The English have been fucking animals since time began, since probably the moment when the great unfuckable object of the wooly mammoths finally died backed and the omnifucking force of paleolithic humanity was finally able to sweep across the anglo-french landbridge of doom, set foot upon this green and sceptered isle one warm winter evening, and were finally able to stick a heron's beak up their arse without being tusked to death by hairy 8-ton puritan mammoth cockblockers.

Here's what we know:

We know that the paleolithic (means "ancient stone tool using period" or some such – we're the early to mid-paleoelectronic in the context of any future archeologists reading this *waves*) had stone dildos, not the fearsome ginormous things that most of the news stories depict them to be actually, slightly smaller in size than most contemporary pocket sized vibrators when you see them in the context of someone's hand rather than zoomed the fuck in (Teh News seems to have hit some "Lithotechnological Dildos: Threat or Menace" Semantic-Brainfart angle when processing and displaying pictures of the damn thing).

¿'_'?

Though who knows, time and mechanical force might have reduced them somewhat in size over time. After all I've yet to see the damn things put into a socio-cultural context – were they for personal use only or were they handed down from mother to daughter or around the village and The Communal Dildo of The Spirit Trees on the Planes of O? And thus given to being at least vaginally weathered over many generations, like those ancient stone diases and thrones that have been in use for so long as the literal seat of power for so many empires that the arsemarks of literally countless pharaohic dynasties have worn themsleves deep into their surfaces?

How big were the stone-wangs to begin with? Could they be seen from space? Did Ancient Astronauts Build These Stone-Wangs? (E. Daniken 1975, Twatfinch Press, London)

¿'_'?

But think about this: We have dildos, widely accepted cultural artifact right?

Where are the stone fleshlights? Oh, I don't mean proper man portable stone fleshlights (which would pose some major structural and technical difficulties to produce using stone age technology), but where are the "stones that have been carved into something just tight enough that a dick can get some masturbatory rubtion off of the stone cavity"? They probably would have been carved directly into rock faces, and maybe the really fancy ones would have some system so that they could be heated up using hot embers placed inside the vagolith without burning anyone's bell-end.

less sophisticated ones, probably largely in Greece, would have used the body from multiple people using the bloody things to give it a bit of warmth, or in other more practical and less "pain is the great teacher of MEN!!!!! (in bed)" places (and like the Lithodildo) they would have felt their chaps warm enough when the vagolith was filled with boiling hot molten animal fat.

Of course these would face problems that the lithodildo wouldn't face as far as erosion is concerned, being more likely to be left exposed to the elements, and being unable to fall into some nice preservative sedimentary deposit, as well as being next to impossible to find by archeologists unless conveniently located near a major and well preserved cave artist site that some filthy spelunker happens to trip across and tell an archeology department about.

But here's the thing: where in the intervening kilo-millenia (AKA MYa to those in the know) did the fucking fleshlight go? Dildos pop up (sometimes literally) all over later technological epochs, in bronze, iron, steel, wood (medieval europe – yeah, technically an iron working culture but really it was mostly a wood working culture; longbow, halberd, most of the major military technological advances of the past 1000 years in europe have rested on people finding various uses for different kinds of wooden stick where previous and contemporary cultures skipped straight to doing everything in the metal/alloy that defined the period. Asia was a bit like this with bamboo but mostly during periods when complicated metallurgy was restricted in some fashion).

All are various materials used to make dildos over the millenia, but show me the bronze fleshlights of Alexandria! Display to me your wooden vagina of Olde London Towne! You fucking can't, because the thing about technology, like evolutionary, is that while things will be repeatedly redeveloped and recreated over time, NOTHING IS INEVITABLE!

When the Romans came to Scotland they met the bloody picts and immediately freaked out worse than Lovecraft did when he got to New York City and saw some turn of the century interracial porn for the first time! You why? because the Picts wore Trousers, a concept that so boggled the mind of the poor miniskirt wearing roman legionnaires that most plucked their eyes out with their own gladiolas and legged it back towards the channel ASAP.

Skip forward to today and what is the fucking notable element of Scottish national dress? the fucking Kilt! In fact you'd think that with the receding of the roman empire, the trousers would have fallen down around the ankles of the miniskirt wearing blokes of dark age England but instead what we find is that the concept of trousers didn't reenter the mindscape of the british isles until the fucking 17th century! Which is why words like "tights" and "trousers" and indeed the American "pants" are all pluralised, all the concepts began life as individual leg tubes when the concept of individual leg coverings popped up again at the end of the dark ages, and it took until england had beheaded a few kings and reinvented the concept of standing armies before someone got the idea of joining the leg tubes up at the crotch so that everyone's nuts weren't just flapping about any more.

You know the canterbury tales? All those blokes telling tales have their scrotums resting directly on the backs of the donkeys they're riding because no one had thought to actually cover their nadgers up yet in a country that is renowned for being cold and windy.

technological progress, and hence the future because we now think of one as the other these days (though they're fucking not) is not a thing going up, or forward, it's just something that occurs, with no real motive bloody force.

unless you set down and decide to be a motive bloody force for progress. Change is good when the change is good, shut up about your fucking jet pack, put your genitalia away and wash out your fleshlight young man! Make the future move forward, because it's not going to do it on its own

It's 5:30 am and I'm supposed to have been doing something productive and/or sleeping rather than typing stream of conciousnesses (for I have many! One for each lobe of my mighty fractal 4D brain!) and listening to super pony beats on a constant loop.

GOOD NIGHT, GOOD MORNING AND GOOD LUCK

It is public record that there is not, and never has been, plans to build a mosque at Ground Zero. This is public record, because to build a mosque or any other building in new york requires deed to the land, permission to build, there's lots and lots of bureaucratic over site.

And therefore a clear and easily accessible paper trail.

The people asserting that there is-so-too plans for a "ground zero mosque" could, with a single jpg, prove themselves right and their opponents wrong – in a remarkable reverse of their previous nonsense about Obama's birth certificate.

This is somewhat interesting from the stand point of political communication theories, as a long standing assumption made by most people watching propaganda production companies like FOX and the SUN was that they had to restrict themselves to innuendo and utterly unprovable assertions because it was assumed that in the face of disprovable assertions, someone would actually fact check them, find proof to contradict them, and then the publishing of the proof would diswade people from continually repeating the lie and taking actions based on that lie.

This theory has now been clearly and irrevocably disproven – provided with a fully testable assertion, provided the belief that they have the ability to prove themselves right, these idiots don't even try to do so.

What we have here is Belief with a capital B, the fundamentalist, fart sniffing, Left Behind, Post-Millenial Dispensationalist kind of belief, absolute and triumphant, held in the face of reality.

But then again I suppose "Pics or GTFO!" makes for a poor political slogan.



That said, let's get to The Bestest fool I found so far! *memetic prophylactic warning* *trumpet flare*

What, in a fail where all the fools are using the term "fascist" for maximum unintentional comic effect, could possibly put any particular use of the term head and shoulders above all the rest? Why gay nazi fagots, that's what!

First to set this up, Herrw comes out with this wonderful clunker:

All repressive regimes begin by courting the excluded. The chinese communist revolution began not among the accepted, but among the rejected. Yet it was ultimately those same rejected who were killed by the millions because they were no longer of any use to the society they built. Homosexuality was welcomed in the Nazi party, until chystalnacht, when homosexuals were slaughtered and wiped from society once again.

(emphasis mine)

Yes, the nazi party was famed for it's open recruitment of teh homosexuals, at least until Chystalnacht saw them all betrayed! Think of all that spilled Chystal littering the streets! Oh the infamy.

But the really funny bit (at least, in my opinion) comes when someone questions their use of the term "fascist" and Herrw defends their usage:

my use of the word Fascism (and no offense meant... I never mind being corrected) was meant in the classic sense: that of a bundle of sticks. Any sticks which do not allign with the whole must be thrown away else the bundle is weakened overall. One could argue that the more cosmopolitan definition might easily apply, as the GLBT community acts very much as a nation within a nation, but that would be stretching things a bit to make a moot point. Thank you for the correction.

I'm surprised no one pointed out the irony (which was intended) of attacking the work of a person because they have supported attacks on the work of others. The poetic irony of it is priceless. I could almost welcome something along the lines of "you're comparing a member of the GLBT movement to fascist states like WWII Germany? You're no better than Himmler!" The comedy value would be beyond measure.

(emphasis still mine mine mine all mine ahahahaha! preciousssss...)

Now there's a lot of stuff that has had me going "WOW, what the fuck is this shit!?" followed by wide mouthed pointing and flailing at the just ridiculous gibberish that some of these weird little people have been coming out with, but managing to tie actual literal fagots into a general "you know who liked teh gays? HITLER!" rant, while at the same time being unable to tell the difference Krystalnacht and The Night of the Long Knives, let alone spell either of them. That actually manages to Win at Fail.

Kudos.

If I had more energy or motivation I would set up a fucking league table of this bullshit coming from failies, because I think they've finally figured out that the best way to deal with bingo cards is by adopting The Foul Ol Ron defence of just being so fucking random and nonsensical that no one can predict what nonsense will spill out of your mouth next.

"You're all fascists because of that Alfred Hitchcock movie; The brides! Hnurgh! finingy-ningy-poot, warble mr milk man, I told em I TOLD EM, hrunk hrunk... FREE ELIZABETH MOON! Millenium hand and shrimp..."