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The Vagolithic Period
13 April 2011 03:34 amImagine a time when everything is either a stick or a rock, and beyond this you had the spirited (past tense adverbal form of "spirit") critters around you, of which you may or may not be a part of because Pan Narratis, the narrative ape, like its fucking dichotomies due to a genetical tendency to wander into open fields with sticky-uppy erections during thunder storms.
The English have been fucking animals since time began, since probably the moment when the great unfuckable object of the wooly mammoths finally died backed and the omnifucking force of paleolithic humanity was finally able to sweep across the anglo-french landbridge of doom, set foot upon this green and sceptered isle one warm winter evening, and were finally able to stick a heron's beak up their arse without being tusked to death by hairy 8-ton puritan mammoth cockblockers.
Here's what we know:
We know that the paleolithic (means "ancient stone tool using period" or some such – we're the early to mid-paleoelectronic in the context of any future archeologists reading this *waves*) had stone dildos, not the fearsome ginormous things that most of the news stories depict them to be actually, slightly smaller in size than most contemporary pocket sized vibrators when you see them in the context of someone's hand rather than zoomed the fuck in (Teh News seems to have hit some "Lithotechnological Dildos: Threat or Menace" Semantic-Brainfart angle when processing and displaying pictures of the damn thing).
¿'_'?
Though who knows, time and mechanical force might have reduced them somewhat in size over time. After all I've yet to see the damn things put into a socio-cultural context – were they for personal use only or were they handed down from mother to daughter or around the village and The Communal Dildo of The Spirit Trees on the Planes of O? And thus given to being at least vaginally weathered over many generations, like those ancient stone diases and thrones that have been in use for so long as the literal seat of power for so many empires that the arsemarks of literally countless pharaohic dynasties have worn themsleves deep into their surfaces?
How big were the stone-wangs to begin with? Could they be seen from space? Did Ancient Astronauts Build These Stone-Wangs? (E. Daniken 1975, Twatfinch Press, London)
¿'_'?
But think about this: We have dildos, widely accepted cultural artifact right?
Where are the stone fleshlights? Oh, I don't mean proper man portable stone fleshlights (which would pose some major structural and technical difficulties to produce using stone age technology), but where are the "stones that have been carved into something just tight enough that a dick can get some masturbatory rubtion off of the stone cavity"? They probably would have been carved directly into rock faces, and maybe the really fancy ones would have some system so that they could be heated up using hot embers placed inside the vagolith without burning anyone's bell-end.
less sophisticated ones, probably largely in Greece, would have used the body from multiple people using the bloody things to give it a bit of warmth, or in other more practical and less "pain is the great teacher of MEN!!!!! (in bed)" places (and like the Lithodildo) they would have felt their chaps warm enough when the vagolith was filled with boiling hot molten animal fat.
Of course these would face problems that the lithodildo wouldn't face as far as erosion is concerned, being more likely to be left exposed to the elements, and being unable to fall into some nice preservative sedimentary deposit, as well as being next to impossible to find by archeologists unless conveniently located near a major and well preserved cave artist site that some filthy spelunker happens to trip across and tell an archeology department about.
But here's the thing: where in the intervening kilo-millenia (AKA MYa to those in the know) did the fucking fleshlight go? Dildos pop up (sometimes literally) all over later technological epochs, in bronze, iron, steel, wood (medieval europe – yeah, technically an iron working culture but really it was mostly a wood working culture; longbow, halberd, most of the major military technological advances of the past 1000 years in europe have rested on people finding various uses for different kinds of wooden stick where previous and contemporary cultures skipped straight to doing everything in the metal/alloy that defined the period. Asia was a bit like this with bamboo but mostly during periods when complicated metallurgy was restricted in some fashion).
All are various materials used to make dildos over the millenia, but show me the bronze fleshlights of Alexandria! Display to me your wooden vagina of Olde London Towne! You fucking can't, because the thing about technology, like evolutionary, is that while things will be repeatedly redeveloped and recreated over time, NOTHING IS INEVITABLE!
When the Romans came to Scotland they met the bloody picts and immediately freaked out worse than Lovecraft did when he got to New York City and saw some turn of the century interracial porn for the first time! You why? because the Picts wore Trousers, a concept that so boggled the mind of the poor miniskirt wearing roman legionnaires that most plucked their eyes out with their own gladiolas and legged it back towards the channel ASAP.
Skip forward to today and what is the fucking notable element of Scottish national dress? the fucking Kilt! In fact you'd think that with the receding of the roman empire, the trousers would have fallen down around the ankles of the miniskirt wearing blokes of dark age England but instead what we find is that the concept of trousers didn't reenter the mindscape of the british isles until the fucking 17th century! Which is why words like "tights" and "trousers" and indeed the American "pants" are all pluralised, all the concepts began life as individual leg tubes when the concept of individual leg coverings popped up again at the end of the dark ages, and it took until england had beheaded a few kings and reinvented the concept of standing armies before someone got the idea of joining the leg tubes up at the crotch so that everyone's nuts weren't just flapping about any more.
You know the canterbury tales? All those blokes telling tales have their scrotums resting directly on the backs of the donkeys they're riding because no one had thought to actually cover their nadgers up yet in a country that is renowned for being cold and windy.
technological progress, and hence the future because we now think of one as the other these days (though they're fucking not) is not a thing going up, or forward, it's just something that occurs, with no real motive bloody force.
unless you set down and decide to be a motive bloody force for progress. Change is good when the change is good, shut up about your fucking jet pack, put your genitalia away and wash out your fleshlight young man! Make the future move forward, because it's not going to do it on its own
It's 5:30 am and I'm supposed to have been doing something productive and/or sleeping rather than typing stream of conciousnesses (for I have many! One for each lobe of my mighty fractal 4D brain!) and listening to super pony beats on a constant loop.
GOOD NIGHT, GOOD MORNING AND GOOD LUCK
The English have been fucking animals since time began, since probably the moment when the great unfuckable object of the wooly mammoths finally died backed and the omnifucking force of paleolithic humanity was finally able to sweep across the anglo-french landbridge of doom, set foot upon this green and sceptered isle one warm winter evening, and were finally able to stick a heron's beak up their arse without being tusked to death by hairy 8-ton puritan mammoth cockblockers.
Here's what we know:
We know that the paleolithic (means "ancient stone tool using period" or some such – we're the early to mid-paleoelectronic in the context of any future archeologists reading this *waves*) had stone dildos, not the fearsome ginormous things that most of the news stories depict them to be actually, slightly smaller in size than most contemporary pocket sized vibrators when you see them in the context of someone's hand rather than zoomed the fuck in (Teh News seems to have hit some "Lithotechnological Dildos: Threat or Menace" Semantic-Brainfart angle when processing and displaying pictures of the damn thing).
Though who knows, time and mechanical force might have reduced them somewhat in size over time. After all I've yet to see the damn things put into a socio-cultural context – were they for personal use only or were they handed down from mother to daughter or around the village and The Communal Dildo of The Spirit Trees on the Planes of O? And thus given to being at least vaginally weathered over many generations, like those ancient stone diases and thrones that have been in use for so long as the literal seat of power for so many empires that the arsemarks of literally countless pharaohic dynasties have worn themsleves deep into their surfaces?
How big were the stone-wangs to begin with? Could they be seen from space? Did Ancient Astronauts Build These Stone-Wangs? (E. Daniken 1975, Twatfinch Press, London)
But think about this: We have dildos, widely accepted cultural artifact right?
Where are the stone fleshlights? Oh, I don't mean proper man portable stone fleshlights (which would pose some major structural and technical difficulties to produce using stone age technology), but where are the "stones that have been carved into something just tight enough that a dick can get some masturbatory rubtion off of the stone cavity"? They probably would have been carved directly into rock faces, and maybe the really fancy ones would have some system so that they could be heated up using hot embers placed inside the vagolith without burning anyone's bell-end.
less sophisticated ones, probably largely in Greece, would have used the body from multiple people using the bloody things to give it a bit of warmth, or in other more practical and less "pain is the great teacher of MEN!!!!! (in bed)" places (and like the Lithodildo) they would have felt their chaps warm enough when the vagolith was filled with boiling hot molten animal fat.
Of course these would face problems that the lithodildo wouldn't face as far as erosion is concerned, being more likely to be left exposed to the elements, and being unable to fall into some nice preservative sedimentary deposit, as well as being next to impossible to find by archeologists unless conveniently located near a major and well preserved cave artist site that some filthy spelunker happens to trip across and tell an archeology department about.
But here's the thing: where in the intervening kilo-millenia (AKA MYa to those in the know) did the fucking fleshlight go? Dildos pop up (sometimes literally) all over later technological epochs, in bronze, iron, steel, wood (medieval europe – yeah, technically an iron working culture but really it was mostly a wood working culture; longbow, halberd, most of the major military technological advances of the past 1000 years in europe have rested on people finding various uses for different kinds of wooden stick where previous and contemporary cultures skipped straight to doing everything in the metal/alloy that defined the period. Asia was a bit like this with bamboo but mostly during periods when complicated metallurgy was restricted in some fashion).
All are various materials used to make dildos over the millenia, but show me the bronze fleshlights of Alexandria! Display to me your wooden vagina of Olde London Towne! You fucking can't, because the thing about technology, like evolutionary, is that while things will be repeatedly redeveloped and recreated over time, NOTHING IS INEVITABLE!
When the Romans came to Scotland they met the bloody picts and immediately freaked out worse than Lovecraft did when he got to New York City and saw some turn of the century interracial porn for the first time! You why? because the Picts wore Trousers, a concept that so boggled the mind of the poor miniskirt wearing roman legionnaires that most plucked their eyes out with their own gladiolas and legged it back towards the channel ASAP.
Skip forward to today and what is the fucking notable element of Scottish national dress? the fucking Kilt! In fact you'd think that with the receding of the roman empire, the trousers would have fallen down around the ankles of the miniskirt wearing blokes of dark age England but instead what we find is that the concept of trousers didn't reenter the mindscape of the british isles until the fucking 17th century! Which is why words like "tights" and "trousers" and indeed the American "pants" are all pluralised, all the concepts began life as individual leg tubes when the concept of individual leg coverings popped up again at the end of the dark ages, and it took until england had beheaded a few kings and reinvented the concept of standing armies before someone got the idea of joining the leg tubes up at the crotch so that everyone's nuts weren't just flapping about any more.
You know the canterbury tales? All those blokes telling tales have their scrotums resting directly on the backs of the donkeys they're riding because no one had thought to actually cover their nadgers up yet in a country that is renowned for being cold and windy.
technological progress, and hence the future because we now think of one as the other these days (though they're fucking not) is not a thing going up, or forward, it's just something that occurs, with no real motive bloody force.
unless you set down and decide to be a motive bloody force for progress. Change is good when the change is good, shut up about your fucking jet pack, put your genitalia away and wash out your fleshlight young man! Make the future move forward, because it's not going to do it on its own
It's 5:30 am and I'm supposed to have been doing something productive and/or sleeping rather than typing stream of conciousnesses (for I have many! One for each lobe of my mighty fractal 4D brain!) and listening to super pony beats on a constant loop.
