fridgepunk: Image courtesy of webcomic Octopus Pie, available now at all good googles! (Oh Noes!)
In response to someone explaining that they're not assholes for owning a SUV because the SUV was a gift, and a comment thread in which people argued shouted backwards and forwards in that way XKCD commenters like to do.

Is there such a thing as "hyperthetical person fic" or "un-real person fic"? Because I think this is one of thems:

Of course if you sold the car and bought a giant hamster-ball to walk around in you'd actually have some friends. And they would be good enough friends that they wouldn't resent not being allowed a go in the hamster-ball.

Except Marty. Marty would seem like he's all okay with you hogging the hamster-ball, but every so often you'd catch him looking at it with this undescribable look in his eyes, and then he'd quickly look away when he noticed you'd seen him.

Then you'd wake up one night to find marty has broken into your house and is trying to steal the hamster-ball, and when you turn on the lights to challenge him, Marty will turn around and beat you to death with a crowbar.

Then, with your bloody and now unrecognisable body slumped to the ground at his feet he'll panic, bits of skull, brain and blood covering his clothes, and a lone tooth embedded in his shoe that he won't notice until an hour later (and which will cause him to discard his shoe over the side of a bridge where a lone dog walker will see him, and thus lead police to him). So he'll use the 1666 gallons of gasoline you bought using the money your saved replacing the SUV with a hamster-ball* to torch your house and hopefully destroy the evidence of his crime and make his getaway with the flickery light of your burning home in his rear view mirror.

And then, after he thinks he's escaped, he'll remember he left the hamster-ball in the inferno. So a week later when the police finally raid his home, all they'll find is his hung corpse gently swinging from a light fitting in his lounge, and on a table nearby will be his suicide note.

It will read: "No Hamster-Ball ;_;"

So you see, there's arguments both for and against having a SUV...

* The neat thing about gasoline is that, where as with precious metals, the amount of them in the world increases over time as new mining and extraction techniques are discovered (and which naturally means that the overall price of, say, gold over time is rapidly diminishing as the supply increases) gasoline is being constantly burnt, so over time the overall amount of gasoline in the world decreases, meaning that 1666 gallons of gasoline may cost merely as much as an SUV today, but in time will enable your descendants to raise a personal army using the billions upon billions of dollars worth of gasoline found in just one jerry can of the gasoline you decided to invest your money in.

This addendum sponsored by BP/Shell: "We Want You To Buy Some Motherfucking Gasoline You Gullible Fucks"

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fridgepunk

May 2015

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